pascals journal entry for today
6/8/2017
today it is clear with some clouds, i am up before the light i had ok sleep yesterday i went and bought perforated drainage pipe so i can work on the drainage and the retaining wall behind the house against the steep hill. i am going through some emotional shit PTSD crap reflecting on my life a type of life review and i see i lived a living hell of poverty and despair for so long which took me to the darkest places/situations in my life. i am still coming to terms with it all having a hard time with remembering the very earliest parts of my life, yesterday i remembered all day the time me and Freddy (my sister that died of leukemia) heard my mother scream in terrible pain and we found her on the floor bleeding from her yoni, Freddy had me take towels and rinse all the blood out, place the towels on the wood stove to dry and hand them back to her so she could fill them up with all that blood which was everywhere as she was trying to stop the bleeding from my mother who i was literally bleeding to death i was crying and could not deal with so much blood, i was 5 years old, according to Dominique (my older sister) our mother who was a prostitute was trying to make ends meet and did not get the money from her boy friend who was in the U.S. air force stationed in France but he was sent to Thailand to serve there( now her husband)and so she went out and did some prostitution to bring in money since we were starving, well she got pregnant and gave her self an abortion with a wire hanger, for 3 hours or so it seemed i was wringing out the towels full of the blood and rinsing them out and placing them on the wood stove to dry, we both were crying we were much too young to go through such an even. when i had my first Kundalini experience i asked why i was given such an experience and my inner voice said it was because i saved my mothers life and for the life i would have to live and had already lived.
this life has been a rough ride beyond anything any child should have to endure, and out of all that i endured when i became an adult and i began exhibiting problems i was treated very badly by both of them my mother and her husband as they blamed my issues not as a symptom of the past and the effects it had on my view of my self in the world. etc but instead of remembering the life i had to live they could have recognized it but no instead they blamed me for the turmoil in my life and not a result from the trauma i had endured, no they either forgot all i had gone through or they purposely ignored me as to not assume some responsibility for the horror i had to endure and witness, they forgot all the horrible experiences that happened to me such as the time i was beaten and left for dead on the road on the way home from school we lived in a ghetto in fort wayne indiana 1971-1975 while my so called step father got his chemical engineering degree and i was the only white child for miles and so i was the target of black on white hate and so the black kids all ganged up on me calling me honky/whitey etc and took bricks and even a cinder block and beat me to a pulp and left me for dead after laying still in a pool of my own blood from lacerations and from being beaten with a brick and a cinder block i crawled home ( i was 9 years old ), the doctor said there is a chance i suffered a brain injury but they never pursued it they never cared for my medical issues as they insisted i wait till i was 18 when he will have to take care on his own as she would say when ever i needed some medical help or when my teeth were falling out and rotting at 15 years old she said we will wait till he is 18 then he can take care of it then we save money and so that was the reality i lived in >neglect was the rule there in that horrible house. that is just the tip of the iceberg, so many times i have had horrible things happen to me at such a young age. no wonder i have severe PTSD, dysthymia, and major depressive disorder. sometimes i wish i could have amnesia so i could forget the horror that has been my life. Ucenter Dress maid of honor wears in red color that won't cost much
name and form is love
OM NAMAH PREMA